Differing points of view in your mother-daughter relationship

Mom Jennifer's point of view: I want Emily to work harder
Jennifer studied hard to go to college and become a mathematician. Now she faces a daily battle with her 15-year-old daughter, Emily, about her own studies.

“She is good with art class and mostly does her homework, but she dislikes math and science and either does the work very quickly or not at all,” she says. “Trouble is, I really feel these are important subjects and open many doors in life. In the beginning I tried offering to help, but she said no, so I tried to leave her to it."

“Then I began looking at her homework books when she was out and saw what poor homework she was turning in. Of course she was annoyed I’d looked at her books, but I was just so annoyed at how little effort she was making. We argued about it.”

Daughter Emily's point of view: Mom just criticizes me 
Emily sees things differently. She explains how her mother offers to “help” with the work.

“What that really means,” she says, “is her telling me what is wrong. Then she doesn’t seem to understand and gets upset when I get frustrated at not knowing the answer. It makes me feel useless, and that Mom doesn’t love me because I can’t meet her standards.”

Rather than encouraging her to do better, she says, her mom’s behavior makes her nervous and rebellious about doing homework.

“Sometimes I feel really bad and useless and I will talk to Dad, who sympathizes with me,” she adds. “But really I want my mom to stop nagging and let me find my own way.”

Sister Samantha's point of view: I can see both sides 
Emily sometimes talks with her sister Samantha, 22, who remembers her own homework issues with her mother.

“Emily is more confrontational, and she is bothered by the way Mom behaves much more than I ever was,” she explains. “I understand my mother wanting to help Emily do well because she is bright, and I know that getting good results has enabled me to get into the career I want.”

She also sees Emily’s frustration. “It would be great if she could speak with our mom about her feelings in the same way she does to me,” says Samantha. “I don’t think Mom realizes how miserable it makes Emily for them to be arguing.”

Samantha has suggested that her parents hire a tutor for Emily or talk to teachers at her school rather than being so intimately involved. “I believe my sister needs to be encouraged,” she adds, “and perhaps that would help Emily’s self-esteem and give her the confidence to know she can do it on her own.”

What we want for our children, and how we feel we can help them prepare for the future, may conflict with how they see things. This is especially true when we have difficulty understanding why certain things are so important to them. So, what can moms do to help?

Mother-Daughter Relationship Problems and Activities: A Case Study

Girls’ interests change as they grow older
Barbara wanted to learn piano, so her parents paid for lessons when she turned 11. For two years she was enthusiastic and practiced regularly. But then, her mother Mary says, “She lost interest and said none of her friends played instruments.”

Her parents were frustrated, but Barbara explains, “I just didn’t like playing any longer and I was expected to do it at times when my friends were meeting up or hanging out on Saturday mornings. I thought I could take piano up again later if I wanted.”

An older sibling’s perspective can help
It can be valuable to ask a sibling or relative to look at a conflict and help everyone listen to the different viewpoints.

It was her older brother, in his 20s and at college, who helped Barbara see that she could tell their parents she wanted to practice at a time that suited her, rather than giving up completely. When she explained how important it was for her to spend time with her friends, they understood why she had felt she wanted to give up and agreed to the compromise.

“We also realized,” Mary says, “that it was making Barbara unhappy feeling she was disappointing us, but she was also worried about becoming an outsider with her friends if she couldn’t be with them at what seemed important times.”

Are you having similar mother-daughter relationship problems? Do you find that your efforts to encourage your daughter seem to have the opposite effect? Start a conversation and find out what’s happening from her point of view.

To protect privacy, we’ve changed the names of the people whose stories we tell on these pages. But the stories are genuine.